Take Care Clinic My Ass

I recently found myself in need of the Take Care Clinic at my local Walgreens. It was late, my regular doctor was closed, and the weekend was just beginning. I had a wicked cold, sore throat, ear infection, cough, etc. etc. I probably could’ve handled all of the other symptoms, except it felt like I Lance Armstrong’s cancerous testicle was stuck in my throat every time I swallowed and I draw the line at cancerous testicle balls in my throat.

I got in pretty quickly considering there was a fuck load of sick people waiting with me. This registered nurse/nurse practitioner/nursing assistant whatever the fuck she was must’ve had massive ear wax build up because she literally asked me the same questions several times. “Which one of your ears is hurting” “what color is your mucus” “does your throat hurt” “does it hurt to talk”. I wanted to say “yes, bitch! It fucking hurts a whole fucking lot to talk and you asking me the same questions over and over again isn’t helping!” But of course I didn’t because I really needed some antibiotics.

I’ve had a lot of ear infections throughout my life I’m kind of like an expert on them. So, I tell this lady I have an ear infection and I need meds. She looks in my ear and says “there’s a little piece of wax in the way. I can’t see.” Then she proceeds to use the little stick thingy to try and scrape out the wax. I’ve had doctors use the little stick thingy before and it’s never hurt as badly as it did when she did it.

Then my ear starts to bleed. I’m fairly alarmed at this point and she says “oh, oops, we have some blood.” Bitch, what the fuck do you mean we have some blood?! That’s not something you wanna hear when someone’s digging around in your ear. She tells me not to panic and proceeds to irrigate my ear with freezing cold water for 20 minutes in an attempt to dislodge the stupid wax all while saying, ” well we will definitely get you some antibiotics.” Seriously?! After all the digging and irrigating and interrogating you just put me through trying to get this fucking piece of wax dislodged you fAil miserably and then tell me you’re giving me antibiotics when that’s what I told you I needed in the first place??!! I’m not sure who I wanted to murder more, me for letting her put me through that or her for putting me through that.

Needless to say today’s topic of attack is the fucking nurse at the take care clinic by my house. Consider yourself attacked nurse lady. To health and clean ears…until next time dirties.

No Hollywood

Well, it’s been a minute since I dropped some knowledge on you and I figure I’m about overdue. I’m attacking Hollywood today because every time I think it’s about to get its shit straight Ben Affleck gets casts as Batman and I’m back to wondering what the fuck is going on. Stupid casting issues aside, I can’t get over all the Remakes, shitty sequels, unthought out trilogies, and just terrible movies all around. Did I mention all the fucking remakes? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was only good as a cartoon on Saturday mornings. You can’t put a hot Megan Fox in a movie remake and cross your fingers that her tits will draw a crowd.

I enjoyed the first Transformers movie. In fact, I was pretty excited about it. And it didn’t disappoint. But I sure as hell didn’t need transformers two and three and I need number four like I need a hole in the head. The only time the sequel has been better than the original was The Dark Knight Rises. That movie, in my opinion, was phenomenal in terms of plot, casting, dialogue….everything. The franchise should’ve just stopped there. I could do without Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. I really can’t take her seriously after Ella Enchanted.

Now I hear they’re remaking RoboCop with Samuel L. Jackson and this is where I draw the line. I have nothing against Mr. Jackson, but it’s looking like Hollywood has run out of fresh ideas so they keep trying to redo old ideas in the hopes that movie goers are just brain dead enough to not notice that they’ve seen this movie before. Production companies cross their fingers and hold onto their pocket books for dear life just praying that we’re all stupid enough to pay 11 bucks for a matinee, 5 bucks for a small pop, and 8 bucks for six mini snickers bites all so we can “enjoy” watching a movie that’s been made, remade, tweaked, and refreshed more than Joan Rivers.

I’m still unsure of who to blame here. Is it us, the movie goers, who perpetuate this cycle of nonsense because we continually pay good money for crap movies? Or is Hollywood to blame for only providing us with crap movies so we have no choice but to suck it up and sit through shit for a few hours on a weekend so we can escape the shit we call real life for a little while?

Whoever is to blame the insanity must stop. I vow to boycott the movies until something worthy of my hard earned money comes out. Or at least something with a lot of nudity, zombies, and shit blowing up. Until next time….say no to Ben Affleck and yes to dirt.

A lesson in Polietness

Today I’m attacking manners or people’s apparent lack thereof. There is no reason why you can’t hold the door open for the person behind you. It’s not that hard and it only takes two extra seconds out of your day. I’ve always wondered why I’m so grateful when someone holds the door open rather than letting it slam in my face and I’ve finally realized why. Because nobody does it anymore so when it happens I must go into shock and immediately feel the need to thank the person profusely for their kindness.

That’s what’s missing. The “pleases” and “thank yous.” We’re always in a rush to get to the next destination so we forget to stop and take notice of the little things. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I stop and let someone into traffic and they don’t throw their hand up to say thanks. I actually say thank you audibly in my car when it happens for me, even though they can’t hear me because its nice to be nice and get niceness in return.

I really have a hard time with parents who don’t teach their kids manners. I see them in restaurants putting their elbows on the table, chewing with their mouth open, and talking with their mouth full and I just want to punch their parents and say “what the fuck? Were you raised in a barn? Because I’m pretty sure this is fucking TGI Fridays…not a fuckin barn.”

I really don’t know what happened to manners. Not too long ago it was considered rushing things if you held hands on a first date. Men pulled the chairs out for women at the dinner table, women fully covered all of their lady parts, and neckin’ wasn’t allowed in public. I’m sure I don’t need to explain how much things have changed since then and I’m not necessarily upset by ALL of the changes.

Yay for sexual freedom and liberation and all that. I really just wish people would hold the fucking door open and say thank you once in awhile. I challenge you readers to pay it forward. I’ve been nice to you by bestowing wisdom upon you now you be nice to someone else. Go forth and spread politeness and dirt…don’t forget the dirt.

I Solemnly Swear to Swear More Often

I’m really sick and tired of people telling me to stop swearing. I like swearing. It makes me feel good. Besides, they’re just words. They have letters, a variety of meanings, and can be pronounced fairly easily. Yes, I have a dirty mouth. I also drink beer, pronounce the silent letters in every word that contains a silent letter (I think they might feel left out), and believe that sweat pants should be considered business casual.

Life is more colorful with swear words. For example, “Go fuck yourself” wouldn’t sound nearly as good if you said something like “Go have sex with yourself.” In fact, the latter statement is likely to get you punched in the privates or get you a kinky date if you’re in to that sort of thing. No, I will not stop swearing. Swear words taste like chocolate coming out of my mouth. Plus I get the added bonus of offending people and who the hell would pass up that opportunity?!

So go ahead and let out those fucks, shits, and bitches you’ve been holding in. You know you want to. Get dirty, get fucked, eat shit, and love it…bitches. Until next time.

Friends

I have this friend who is emotionally draining. Things are always going wrong for him and instead of getting off his ass and doing something about it, he seems to think life is going to come to him. So today I’m attacking my friend because I’m sick and fucking tired of hearing him bitch about his shitty life.

So you’re position got eliminated at work and you might be out of a job. Why not start looking for a job now instead of waiting for your company to get their shit together? No, you’re not going to be a writer. You can’t even use proper grammar. Stop playing candy crush and spending seven bucks on every level trying to beat it. You get nothing in return so why bother?

Oh, you’re taking another trip to Vegas? I thought you had no money? Maybe you should stop smoking. I’m sure that would save you at least 50 bucks a week. I’m not judging my friend for his lifestyle I’m just tired of him bitching about it. The point is if you don’t like something do something about it. Nobody likes a negative Nancy so suck it up and move on already. Until next time, get dirty. Don’t expect the dirt to come to you.

The Sickness

Today, I’m attacking the stomach flu. Or rather, being sick in general. Because what the fuck. I’ve had the stomach flu for the past several days and its knocked me on my ass. It hurts to walk, I’m nauseous, my stomach is cramping, and its just plain unfair. I’m convinced sicknesses evolved to remind humankind of their mortality. This little germ gets inside you, starts wreaking havoc, and by day two you’re asking to be put out of your misery. (I’m on day four, I should be fucking dead by now).

Viruses are mother natures giant fuck you to the human race for being cocky enough to think all the shit we mess with won’t come back to bite us in the ass. Um Hello, global warming, mass pollution, oil spills, toxic waste, plastic bottles, reality TV…any of this ringing a bell? There is no way the human race can advance itself without destroying little bits and pieces along the way. Evolution sucks. We already walk upright, communicate, have opposable thumbs and less hair covering our bodies (generally speaking), so where the fuck do we go from here?

We get smarter. We build bombs, stop taking our antibiotics correctly, waste water, waste energy, burn up the atmosphere, and create more and more garbage. We clone, we mutate, we experiment on people. We create super viruses that kill, we create drugs that make us eat each others faces off. I mean, holy shit, where does it end?

Don’t get me wrong I fucking love science and I think evolution is an amazing thing. I’m totally addicted to animal planet because I seriously think we can learn a lot about ourselves from studying animals. For example, a chimpanzee has some awesome problem solving skills when it comes to cracking open nuts or getting ants out of a tiny hole in log using a small stick. Yes, I watched Disney’s chimpanzee movie narrated by Tim Allen. What of it?

I totally just realized in my stomach flu induced stupor that I got way off topic. My bad. Uh….stomach flu sucks ass. Dirty until time stay next.

Facebook 2.0

I know my very first attack was Facebook and ever since then I’ve been trying to attack other subjects to keep thing interesting, but I can’t hold it in anymore. Today’s topic of attack is fucking Facebook…again.

There are so many statuses I want to reply to, but I’m sure to offend someone and be defriended by everyone I’m quasi friends with and then who the hell would I make fun of? I get some of my best material from Facebook because, lets face it, people are ridiculous.

So I’ve decided to post responses here where I feel free to vent and where you, dear readers, can enjoy my ravings.

Lets begin.

Sorority’s and fraternity’s are lame. They’re for people who can’t make friends in the first place so they have to buy them. You’re 50 years old. Stop trying to squeeze into that sigma gama phi shirt you wore at 20 and start wearing those depends you know you need.

You’re husband is a terrible husband if he makes you get up with your 6 week old baby by yourself, he doesn’t deserve a shout out. Plus you have five additional kids so I’m pretty sure that makes him an asshole times five.

Your kid is bilingual? He’s fucking two years old and has a 40 word vocabulary. The fact that 5 of those words are Spanish does not make him bilingual.

I don’t care that you had a bad day. Suck it up, rub some dirt in it and move on already you whiny bitch.

Enough with reposting people’s statuses. I don’t care what YOU have to say why would I give a shit about what your friends have to say?

Yes, you have five kids from five different fathers and four of those fathers don’t give a shit about their offspring. Maybe, instead of calling the deadbeat dads out, you should take a hard look at yourself and who you’re dating before you let them knock you up and saddle you with another illegitimate child you can’t afford. Just a thought.

Oh, you’re eating a cupcake? I hope you choke on it.

Oh, you got Starbucks? You’re officially a wannabe trendy loser. I hope you burn your tongue.

Yes, you’re life sucks ass. You make bad decisions and are overall a bad person. Remind me why I’m friends with you again?

Wow, anther bible verse? Fantastic! That’s the 50th one I’ve seen this week. Guess I don’t need to go to church, or bible study, or youth group, or that spiritual retreat…..oh wait you don’t go either? I thought you were catholic?

New hair cut? Go fuck yourself.

Another picture of your ugly child? Go fuck yourself.

They’re doing construction on 120? That’s….that’s actually a useful piece of information. Thank you for posting it.

You cured your wart through sheer will and meditation alone? No, you’re not Ghandi, you probably just “meditated” long enough for the wart to go away on its own. Idiot.

So there you have it. Stay tuned for Facebook 3.0 because I know that’s coming soon. Until next time, dirty out.

Mother fucking white men

I know my race tirade was like a week ago, but I left out the most important race of all. Mother fucking white men. I’m talking to you George Zimmerman you wanna be phony cop. You had a gun in your hands and you’re gonna try and tell me you feared for YOUR safety? I get that the prosecution did a terrible job presenting its case, but I think there was enough evidence for manslaughter.

And now we have mother fucking Spooner who shoots an unarmed black 15 year old named Darius in front of his mother because he THOUGHT Darius had stolen shit from his house. Here’s a clue Spooner, you live on the fucking South Side of Chicago, what the fuck do you expect to happen in that neighborhood? What the fuck is this? is every white dick gonna go out and get a gun and start killing people just because one guy got away with it? I’m fuming mad right now as evidenced by my excessive use of the word fuck, which I use a lot anyways, but even more so when I’m pissed off.

Answer me this bible thumpers, If god created us in his image why the fuck are we so ugly? I’m leaning towards believing in The Matrix because heartless cold machines make more sense than what passes for the definition of a human these days. I’m no saint, but my faith in the human race continues to fade. Maybe it’s time to grow my hair long, stop showering, and become a hermit. Maybe then I won’t have to witness first hand when human kind slowly destroys itself. Yep, it’s decided, I’m becoming a hermit. Then I have an excuse to stay dirty.

Ode to Stuff

I love stuff. I know that makes me a materialistic selfish asshat, but I can’t help it. I love stuff. Stuff makes life easier and anyone who says differently has probably never experienced the gloriousness of stuff. Today’s Topic of Attack is not really an attack. I’m trying to follow through with my pledge to not be so negative. This is my ode to stuff.

My spouse doesn’t understand my love for stuff because they weren’t brought up in a family that gave a lot of stuff. My family; however, shows our love by giving stuff. Our Christmas tree literally shit gifts all over the living room floor while I was growing up because like I said earlier…stuff makes life easier. Stuff is the white noise maker that keeps my kid asleep at night, it’s the Keurig that makes making coffee easy even for non coffee drinkers like me. It’s the car equipped with navigation, blue tooth iPod integration, and a touch screen so I don’t get lost, have to look away from the road to bother with an iPod hookup and a touch screen because its badass.

It’s the electric mixer that makes perfect mashed potatoes. It’s the third generation electric tooth brush that actually provides the time I should spend on each section of my teeth for that perfect clean feeling. Stuff is the TV, no BIG screen TV, no big screen 3D TV that makes my TV watching experience more like a movie watching experience in my own home!

You see readers, humans are constantly evolving. Therefore, our shit is constantly evolving because nobody wants to churn butter by hand or wait for a letter to come by pony express. We want drive through fast food and 10 second printed photos. We want everything easy and now. So what if we don’t have the patience of Buddah or the sincerity of mother Theresa? We’ll always have stuff and I fucking love stuff. Until next time…buy me something.

Followers

So I decided to check out my followers who have blogs as I was curious about what type of people I’m attracting to this little opinionated blog of mine. All I have to say is….what the fuck?

Some of you make sense, like Brooke’s Sister, Jim, Ceej and the nerds. But some others weird me out. For example, not naming any names, but I have some Jesus lovers following me. I can’t help but wonder if they read Jesus Saves? And are keeping tabs on me in an effort to purge the world of evil non Jesus folk. Why else would you create a blog that posts daily scripture yet follow a blog that is anti religion? I kinda feel like my profile gravatar might be on a cross shaped dart board somewhere while a congregation of people speak in tongues and flop on the floor around it. Which is totally fine because its not even my picture….suckers!!

Then there are the self help gurus. You know the “I developed a 5 step method that will make you rich, skinny, and popular in just seven days” people. I already made the disclaimer that my blog will not change lives and somehow I fail to believe your five step method is anything but a “make up some bullshit and sell it to suckers to make me rich” scheme. So why are you following me?

I like to think they are following me because they recognize the awesomeness that is Topic of Attack and therefore want to be associated with said awesomeness. However, I suspect they are merely taking the advice of WordPress and following as many blogs as possible in an effort to spread their own agenda. Which is exactly what I DON’T want this blog to become.

This is your warning followers if you are out to spread your own agenda then be open to the possibility of becoming my next Topic of Attack. If you truly love me then you’re safe-ish. Remember opinions are always welcome…selling people bogus ideas are not. This post was sponsored by no one, paid for by nobody, and brought to you by the letter dirty.