I recently found myself in need of the Take Care Clinic at my local Walgreens. It was late, my regular doctor was closed, and the weekend was just beginning. I had a wicked cold, sore throat, ear infection, cough, etc. etc. I probably could’ve handled all of the other symptoms, except it felt like I Lance Armstrong’s cancerous testicle was stuck in my throat every time I swallowed and I draw the line at cancerous testicle balls in my throat.
I got in pretty quickly considering there was a fuck load of sick people waiting with me. This registered nurse/nurse practitioner/nursing assistant whatever the fuck she was must’ve had massive ear wax build up because she literally asked me the same questions several times. “Which one of your ears is hurting” “what color is your mucus” “does your throat hurt” “does it hurt to talk”. I wanted to say “yes, bitch! It fucking hurts a whole fucking lot to talk and you asking me the same questions over and over again isn’t helping!” But of course I didn’t because I really needed some antibiotics.
I’ve had a lot of ear infections throughout my life I’m kind of like an expert on them. So, I tell this lady I have an ear infection and I need meds. She looks in my ear and says “there’s a little piece of wax in the way. I can’t see.” Then she proceeds to use the little stick thingy to try and scrape out the wax. I’ve had doctors use the little stick thingy before and it’s never hurt as badly as it did when she did it.
Then my ear starts to bleed. I’m fairly alarmed at this point and she says “oh, oops, we have some blood.” Bitch, what the fuck do you mean we have some blood?! That’s not something you wanna hear when someone’s digging around in your ear. She tells me not to panic and proceeds to irrigate my ear with freezing cold water for 20 minutes in an attempt to dislodge the stupid wax all while saying, ” well we will definitely get you some antibiotics.” Seriously?! After all the digging and irrigating and interrogating you just put me through trying to get this fucking piece of wax dislodged you fAil miserably and then tell me you’re giving me antibiotics when that’s what I told you I needed in the first place??!! I’m not sure who I wanted to murder more, me for letting her put me through that or her for putting me through that.
Needless to say today’s topic of attack is the fucking nurse at the take care clinic by my house. Consider yourself attacked nurse lady. To health and clean ears…until next time dirties.